


The Thing With Feathers

by estriel



Series: August Break 2019 [10]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Drama & Romance, Fluff, Future Fic, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-19 04:14:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20203549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/estriel/pseuds/estriel
Summary: Javi hopes for many things, and so does Yuzu. The question is, will their hopes ever coincide?





	The Thing With Feathers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cornerstones](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cornerstones/gifts).

> Today's prompt is _hopes._
> 
> Today my hope was to write something short for this challenge. And the Javi part was short, I rejoiced. Then Yuzu joined in and was like, no, no can do, too many feels. So here we are.
> 
> Dear cornerstones, this one is for you - thank you for your lovely comments and for always noticing all the things I hope a reader would notice. I hope you enjoy this!

_ "Hope is the thing with feathers _

_ That perches in the soul _

_ And sings the tune without the words _

_ And never stops at all.” _

― Emily Dickinson

Javi hopes that he has not made a mistake, agreeing to let Yuzu come train in Toronto. Looking at those triple axels that seem to be as effortless as breathing – or rather more effortless, what with Yuzu’s asthma – Javi is sometimes not sure. But he just grits his teeth and works harder because it is too late to change his mind now… and because he kind of likes Yuzu.

*

Javi sincerely hopes that Yuzu doesn’t notice. His eyes have gotten into the habit of looking just a bit too intently, of lingering on a curve here, a muscle there, on Yuzu’s flushed cheeks and his lips, so deliciously pink when he bites them in concentration before he launches into another run-through of his free skate.

He hopes Brian doesn’t notice, either, because Yuzu may now be of age, and winning things left and right, but Javi is sure Brian would not approve of Javi’s quiet lusting.

*

By the time he wins Worlds for the first time, Javi is wishing Yuzu  _ would _ notice. God, he’s smitten, and half of the time, Yuzu’s radiant smile, and his twinkling eyes, and – let’s be honest – Yuzu’s ass are all Javi can think of.

He touches and hugs Yuzu every chance he gets, trying hard to convey to Yuzu that this is not just him being friendly and Spanish, but rather him being more than a little in love.

He even goes as far as to tell Yuzu that he will always be the champion in his heart, cradling Yuzu’s face in a way he would normally follow up with a kiss, all of it in hopes that Yuzu will  _ get it _ .

Yuzu doesn’t.

*

And then Yuzu does. Or Javi  _ thinks _ he does. He has just broken things off with Miki, knowing that their relationship was futile, anyway – for a while, she had seemed a good stand-in, and Javi did love her… But not enough, not nearly enough, not the way he seems to love Yuzu.

And so here they are, in Russia, and Yuzu is leaning into all of his touches, not only in practice and in the gala finale, but after that, too – at dinner, and during the walk back to the hotel, and in the elevator that takes them up to their floor.

“Do you want to go out with me?” Javi asks when they stop in front of Yuzu’s room and it is time to bid each other goodnight.

Yuzu looks at him, puzzled.

“We just came back,” he says.

“No, I mean – with me. Just me. As in, for a date,” Javi reiterates. He is babbling, palms sweaty and his heart mad inside his chest.

For a moment he thinks he sees a spark of something like excitement, like happiness, ignite in Yuzu’s face. Yuzu opens his mouth, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

But then he snaps it shut, and his expression shutters down with it.

“I can’t, Javi,” he says, voice dull, and smashes Javi’s fragile hopes to dust.

*

Javi hopes that he will, somehow, forget Yuzu.

“This is the last time”, he tells Yuzu. He means the skating, competing against one another, but he also means the rest – him,  _ them _ , this mad hope he’s been harboring for years now, that he and Yuzu could somehow make it work.

And when he holds, then releases Yuzu just before they part ways in PyeongChang, the  _ sayonara  _ he whispers into Yuzu’s hair feels very final indeed.

After all, there is only so much hope one can carry.

***

Yuzu hopes to learn the quad salchow in Toronto. Specifically, Javi’s quad salchow – solid, strong, reliable. He is ready to do whatever it takes, even at the cost of having a rival following his every movement, undermining him every step of the way.

“I want to learn quad sal,” he informs Javi in his inadequate English when they meet, that first day at Toronto Cricket Club. He expects a retort, an eyeroll, something meant to unnerve him. Instead, Javi simply smiles.

“I hope you do,” he says, then seems to think better of it: “You will,” he says instead, and claps Yuzu on the shoulder, no trace of anything but warmth and encouragement in his demeanor. And as much as he was ready to hate Javi, all of a sudden, Yuzu finds himself hoping that he and Javi will become friends.

*

A few years down the line, Yuzu is hoping for so much more. Gold medals, double Olympic glory, the quad loop – all that. But mostly, he hopes he and Javi will become  _ more _ than friends. It’s silly, and unrealistic, but there is a part of him that looks at Javi, at the slew of smiles and touches and hugs, and it constantly wonders, and hopes, and dreams… He knows it is unlikely that anything will ever happen between them, not with who they are, not with the position they are in, breathing down one another’s neck at every competition they share. But then Javi is whispering  _ in my heart, you will always be the champion _ while Yuzu is crying his eyes out into Javi’s shoulder, and it probably means nothing, but Yuzu almost believes Javi in that moment.

*

Then Javi does exactly what Yuzu has been hoping for. They are in Russia, and Javi has walked him all the way back to his room, and Yuzu is about to say goodnight like they always do, when Javi clears his throat and says:

“Do you want to go out with me?”

It sounds… No, Yuzu tells himself, it can’t be, and he’s just getting ahead of himself with his wishful thinking.

“We just came back,” he says lamely.

“No, I mean – with me. Just me. As in, for a date,” Javi says, his voice quite a bit higher than usual. He is looking at Yuzu with the same warmth that he did the first day in Toronto, with the same hopeful expression, and god, Yuzu  _ wants _ . He wants this with every fiber of his being, more than he had wanted that first Olympic gold, more than he wants the second, more than he has ever wanted anything. He feels the smile that wants to burst out, the happiness, he feels the  _ yes!  _ rise up his throat like a helium-filled balloon.

But then he remembers… The fans who look at him like he is the sole carrier of their hopes and dreams, their beacon of light. The sponsors, who frown at his frilly costumes, but say nothing, then nod approvingly when he does another boy-next-door appearance in a TV show or commercial, sweet and pure and perfect. The Japanese Skating Federation, who are not quite happy with the way Yuzu is now – too in your face, too affectionate, too openly emotional, too  _ un-Japanese _ – but who support him anyway because he delivers results, and results are what they care about.

He remembers all that, and it makes his wild hope wilt inside him. He needs them, he needs their support and benevolence and approval for just a little longer. It’s not the gold that matters to him, per se, not for his personal satisfaction. If it was just that, he would toss all caution to the wind and take Javi instead, because Javi is so much more precious to him than any medal or trophy he could ever win. But he has made a promise, to himself and to Sendai, to all the people that have suffered in the catastrophe in his home and elsewhere – that he will be the best he can be, that he will make them proud, that he will show them that even in the face of adversity, it is worth it to keep going. That he will be their golden hope even in the most hopeless moments.

And thus, even though it feels like ripping his own heart out of his chest, Yuzu looks at Javi, feeling as good as dead, and says: “I can’t, Javi.”

The expression on Javi’s face nearly makes him crumble. He wants to explain, tell Javi the truth, that this is not  _ I don’t want to _ , but simply a  _ not yet, please give me time _ . But he knows that if he did that, if he stayed a second longer, his resolve would break down. Then he would cry, and Javi would comfort him because that is what Javi does, and in between those tears Yuzu would tell him everything, and kiss him like he has been wanting to for as long as he can remember.

Instead, he keys his room open, slips inside, and gently closes the door behind himself. Then he allows himself to fall apart, sliding down the door and hugging his knees to his chest, and lets the tears come.

And even though he knows he doesn’t deserve it, Yuzu still hopes that somehow, maybe, Javi will understand. That Javi will not hate him. That Javi will wait for him.

*

Javi doesn’t. Javi is leaving. He is leaving skating, and, judging by the way he holds him and then whispers his goodbye, Yuzu knows that he is leaving Yuzu, too. 

He goes through the motions because this is what he wanted, to prove that one can reach for the stars if one puts in enough effort, but it feels so wrong.

It feels so wrong, too, the next season, training and competing without Javi by his side, then finding himself at Fantasy on Ice in 2019 with Javi there, but also not, as distant as if there was still an ocean between them.

All that Yuzu can hope for, at this point, is that he will get used to it, this constant dull ache he carries around everywhere he goes, like a gaping hole where something, some _ one _ , used to sit, as bright and warm as the sun. 

*

Yuzu is a masochist. Well, technically, he is a choreographer, and that is why he is here, in Beijing. It still hurts, though, to look down upon Olympic ice from the sidelines, the very ice he had hoped to step on once again here. He had hoped… but knew he couldn’t do it anymore. Not after defying every stupid obstacle the ISU had thrown under his feet, and adding both the missing Skate Canada gold and the Four Continents one to his collection, and reclaiming his World title in 2020. Physically, he probably could have done it. Mentally… Yuzu was tired. He was so tired of being everyone’s puppet, and of the miserable excuse of a life he has been leading just so he could hold up someone else’s ideals.

He was done.

Still, it hurts, watching the competition and knowing that had he wanted to, he could have claimed this gold, too, and made history.

It hurts less, however, than seeing Javi does. When they run into each other in the hotel, Yuzu just stands there stupidly for a moment, not sure what to do, how to act, his heart in his throat.

Then Javi smiles, a genuine one, even after more than three years of keeping such a careful distance, and opens his arms wide.

And like always, Yuzu goes straight to him, falling into that embrace, letting Javi’s arms close around him and make him forget everything else.

“I thought you would be competing, you know,” Javi says eventually when the hug ends. He still holds onto Yuzu’s shoulders, though, looking at him fondly.

“I thought you would be married, by now,” Yuzu says, cursing himself the moment the words are out, hoping that Javi did not notice the way his voice had hitched around the sentence.

But Javi just laughs. “I thought that would be you, what with all the speculation in the Japanese media,” he says, and Yuzu wonders how Javi knows about this, the articles upon articles discussing Yuzu’s continued bachelor status, and whether he is secretly engaged to some girl or another.

“I don’t want that,” Yuzu says weakly, feeling himself blush.

Javi studies him for an excruciating moment, and his hand moves from Yuzu’s shoulder to the crook of his neck, to where Yuzu’s shirt collar hangs a little open, and Yuzu feels his knees go weak when Javi’s fingers find the strip of bare skin there.

“No, I didn’t think you would,” Javi says, and gives Yuzu a pensive smile.

*

Yuzu had hoped that Japan would offer a sense of home, of comfort, when he first moved there after his retirement from skating. Instead, Japan feels like a cage. Everyone knows him. Everyone has expectations, ideas of what Yuzuru Hanyu should be, or do, now.

None of these are what Yuzu actually wants.

He hopes that maybe Brian won’t be able to see straight through him when he calls him and asks if they could find some sort of arrangement. But Brian knows him too well, and after discussing various options, the ways Yuzu could contribute to Cricket’s team, and under which conditions, he says:

“I know this is not only about work.”

Yuzu stays silent, biting his lip as he contemplates what to say to that. In the end, he settles for the one thing that has been nagging at him the whole time since he has decided that Toronto might be a good place for him.

“Do you think he will mind? Javi, I mean.”

Brian doesn’t respond immediately. “No, I don’t think he will mind,” he says eventually. “I can ask him, if you’d prefer.”

“Yes,” Yuzu says, then thinks better of it. “No.” Because wouldn’t that imply that he is hoping for something? That he is coming to Canada with ulterior motives? “I don’t know, Brian,” he admits defeat.

Brian chuckles at the other end of the line. “Just come, Yuzu. He will be happy to see you. All of us will.”

*

It is more than Yuzu could have hoped for. He works with the younger kids at the club, and it brings him joy to pass on his knowledge, to help them reach new milestones. It makes him smile, even, when he catches the occasional conversation in the cafeteria, and realizes that despite the lack of a third Olympic gold, the kids still think of him as  _ THE _ greatest.

But most of all, what makes Yuzu happier than he has been in years, is the easy rapport that he and Javi seem to gradually settle back into, as if Yuzu had not broken Javi’s heart, and his own in the process. They share their breaks in the cafeteria, Javi complaining about the crappy coffee just like he used to do, Yuzu shrugging while he sips at his green tea. They discuss their students, strategize with Brian and Tracy, and it feels good to work together instead of against one another, for the first time in their lives.

The first time Yuzu catches Javi looking at him,  _ looking  _ at him like it’s not Yuzu’s expertise he wants but something entirely different, Yuzu nearly panics. He loses his footing and stumbles in the middle of his demonstration of what the step sequence he had put together for Holly’s new program should look like, his heart suddenly erratic and his hands trembling like they haven’t since before the short program in PyeongChang. He barely dares to hope.

It keeps happening, though, Javi’s glances becoming prolonged, and significant. But that’s all there is. Javi doesn’t say anything, and it takes Yuzu a moment to realize that this time, it is his turn to be brave.

He is terrified when he catches Javi on his way out of the club’s office, one Wednesday afternoon in early spring.

“Javi,” he says, and Javi turns to him. There are crow’s feet around his eyes now, more pronounced than before, and Yuzu wishes he had not missed out on all these years, all these smiles that put the lines there.

“Would you like to have coffee with me?” he says, quite proud that his voice is not all over the place.

“We have coffee almost every day, Yuzu,” Javi says. “I mean, I do,” he laughs. “You with your tea,” he mutters, forever indignant at Yuzu’s reluctance to try the  _ real _ drink.

“No, I meant…” Yuzu draws a deep breath, and forces himself to keep his eyes on Javi’s. “I meant as a date.”

Javi’s face stills, and the easy smile seems to freeze, then morph into an expression Yuzu can’t quite decipher. Javi’s eyes cloud over beneath his glasses, and he looks down, biting his lip.

Yuzu feels the dread like a live thing inside his stomach, cold and writhing and terrible. This is his last chance, he knows it, and if Javi says no, if Javi doesn't forgive him, then… Yuzu really doesn’t know what he will do then, because he tried, and learned the hard way that life is not all that great without Javi.

Then Javi looks up, and his eyes are bright, his smile brighter. “I would love to,” he says, and Yuzu nearly starts crying.

*

The first date is… well, pretty good, Yuzu assumes, in terms of first dates. He has not been on many dates, and he is not sure what he had expected. But he really should have known because he and Javi – to say they have a history, and a lot to talk about, would be an understatement. It’s comfortable, and wonderful, and fun, with Javi laughing into his latte and Yuzu griping about the Japanese press that always wanted to see him  _ traditionally  _ happy….

And then it is full of tears when he breaks down in front of his house and tells Javi how much he had wanted this all the way back in 2016, and how sorry he is he had been a coward.

“You were not a coward, you self-sacrificing idiot,” Javi tells him, and then kisses him goodnight, soft and sweet and everything Yuzu could have hoped for, and more.

They do it a few more times, just talk, and walk, and sit in parks, getting used to spending time together outside of the ice rink for a change. It’s surprisingly easy to slide his hand into Javi’s on the subway, to lean into him as they walk, to let Javi wrap an arm around his waist and know that this is it, the real deal, that this is not just play pretend that they will have to ditch the moment a show ends, and they go back to their off-ice personas.

And when they stop in front of Javi’s building, at the end of their fourth date, Yuzu holds his breath and waits for the kiss, the one that has been growing longer, and more desperate, every time it happened.

“Do you want to come in?” Javi mumbles, not really pulling all the way away from Yuzu’s lips, his breath hot on Yuzu’s mouth as he asks the question Yuzu has been hoping to hear this whole time.

“Yes,” he says, and lets Javi tug him inside, then kiss him in the elevator, then press him against the door the moment they are inside his apartment.

They pull at each other’s clothes, and Yuzu nearly detaches several of Javi’s buttons in his haste to get him out of his shirt.

“Sorry,” he rasps, holding on to the fabric, smoothing his hand over the button that is hanging by a thread. Then he remembers something. “Sorry, I – Should we stop? Is this too fast?”

Javi blinks at him, breathing hard and his mouth still half-open. Then he shakes his head, and threats his fingers into Yuzu’s hair, holding him in place. “Nine years, Yuzu,” he breathes. “I’m not waiting another second for this.” He leans in to ravish Yuzu further, but then he stills, suddenly serious: “Unless you’re uncomfortable. We don’t have to,” Javi gestures with his hand. “I can wait.”

“I’m done waiting,” Yuzu says, and delves back in for another kiss. Then he yelps when Javi picks him up rather unceremoniously, lifting him up by his ass, giving Yuzu no option but to wrap his legs around his waist.

Javi carries him to the bedroom, and Yuzu hopes this will be fast, and also not, because he wants this to last. 

It’s not until Javi is buried deep inside him, filling him up, their palms pressed together and fingers twined, bodies finally linked the way their hearts have been for nearly a decade, that Yuzu realizes it doesn’t even matter. Fast, or slow, it doesn’t matter. Because they have time now. Because Yuzu doesn’t hope anymore – he  _ knows _ that this is forever.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, everyone, for comments you have been dropping during this August writing madness. I love them. I'm sorry that I haven't responded yet - I don't want to just say a quick generic 'thanks', but rather take the time to respond to each one of you and the thoughts you shared... My life is hectic these days, so I'm slow, but know that I read and appreciate them all so much!


End file.
